I just the last few months of my life quiet trying to avoid judgement. When you live in a foreign country, and you can hardly speak the language, it's quite normal for people to humiliate you on a daily basis. Since then, I've begun to wonder about my level of self-assuredness in the U.S.
I just received a message on MySpace:
"afriend of mine told me you were the most stuck up and completely full of yourself person hes ever met"
For the moment, I am going to let the punctuation pass, as much as it gives me a slight headache looking at it. I received this comment from some random person. He was looking over my account (which I never check) and read where I had put, "I'm smart... or smarter than you." I mean, it's a joke obviously. Everyone knows that I value my intellect, but I don't really believe I'm smarter than everyone.
I wondered to what degree this other person must have just ripped me to shreds for this friend to go out of their way to insult me. What story must this person know about me to go onto my MySpace in order to make me feel bad?
One of those great injustices in life is that people will hate you. Maybe you know who it is, and you don't mind. Maybe you know who it is, and you wish they'd give you a second chance. Maybe you don't know who it is, and you wish you could know just to ask for forgiveness or explain yourself. I bet it has to do with my short romance with Objectivism. But people really don't get it: Objectivism is not about believing you're perfect. It's about not letting other people run your life for you.
The thing is, this person clearly thinks I'm a horrible person. I now feel horrible. The most stuck up person they've ever met?
I believe what I believe. I try to believe things based on fact. I don't give into other people's arguments just because they say so. I don't call that arrogance; I just call it being smart.
If I have offended you with my self-confidence, I'm sorry. I care about the world around me, and I do everything in my power to positively effect it. The opinions I have, the actions I make, I do them all with purpose: to make the world better. Sometimes I'm wrong. But my goal has never and will never change. My self-confidence probably won't go away. The only solution is to change my "self" to be a little more right in the future than it has been in the past.
26.6.07
18.6.07
Home Again.
Wow, so it's over. There were days that I never though it would happen, and yet somehow I made it.
My dear precious computer (Jane, to all those who know and love her) has been broken since April. I just got her back today. Thanks to some strange warranty coverage, I only paid for the memory back-up. I've had a lot of good luck these days. I stumbled across a free bed, as well. My mom found an old gift card to Express that had $100 on it. I guess it's making up for the infinite bad luck I've had over the last 9 months.
Yes, my time in France is not what I would call great. There were some pretty great moments, but I don't think I've ever been so happy to leave a place. I was bored 90% of the time. And I think I made like 3 French friends. I've been trying to figure out who's at fault. I think I've decided to blame a combination of the French Department and the study abroad office at OU. I hardly spoke a word of French getting there, and it's really intimidating trying to know people when you can barely spit out three sentences. By the end of the year, I started speaking French well enough to meet people, and I did. On my last train to my job, I met a french student who wanted to introduce me to some other students in Clermont. C'étais dommage. At that time, I was leaving in less than a week for Paris to return home.
It's so strange, though, because it's almost like a dream. I left my life in Clermont behind and now it doesn't exist anymore. Except for my big blue bag from Paris and the 35 euros left in my wallet, there is almost no evidence that I lived there. I try to think about what I did day to day in Clermont, but it's just a blur. People really don't even ask me about it. They say, "Oh, how was France?" I respond, "It was nice." That's all they need to know apparently. No other questions, we just move on to life exactly how it was before I left.
I'm amazed at how much is unchanged. Well, certainly my brother is married now. My mom put up new blinds in the dining room. But people don't really change that much, at least physically, but often emotionally and intellectually. My father is exactly the same man as he was 9 months ago. It's not a bad thing. It's just the way it is. There are new stores open here, and other stores closed there. But they're all the same stores that I've seen on the south side that are now on the west side or some other directional combination.
But I've changed. I've changed so much I hardly recognize myself. I wrote in my blog before that I was learning and changing at a speed so quick that I couldn't even process what had happened. It's true. I would sit down in front of my computer, and I wouldn't know what to write about because... well, I didn't know what was happening. Now that I can juxtapose myself with other Americans, I can see the difference. But the change is so massive, it would be impossible to describe it.
You'll notice that I hardly wrote a word last year. Considering how bored I was, this seems unnatural. However, considering my limited Internet supply, it's not so shocking. Also, I lived with my boyfriend in a 10 ft. by 20 ft. room for 4 months. I was difficult to just ignore him for 30 minutes or an hour while I wrote. But he was a big part of my change. He is the only thing that really ties me back to that world. I talk with him 30 minutes every day. I might just be willing to give up this blog, my computer, my life here in the U.S., just to be back in that little room with him. But a little sacrifice now will pay out well later.
I created a new blog because I am no longer in Europe and also because I'm not the same person who wrote on Where Black Meets White. I'm not deleting that blog, because I do think it's important to remember who you are, even if you no longer agree with everything you once said. But I realized that there is a lot more gray in the world than I once thought. These will be my thoughts back in my world here in Oklahoma.
My dear precious computer (Jane, to all those who know and love her) has been broken since April. I just got her back today. Thanks to some strange warranty coverage, I only paid for the memory back-up. I've had a lot of good luck these days. I stumbled across a free bed, as well. My mom found an old gift card to Express that had $100 on it. I guess it's making up for the infinite bad luck I've had over the last 9 months.
Yes, my time in France is not what I would call great. There were some pretty great moments, but I don't think I've ever been so happy to leave a place. I was bored 90% of the time. And I think I made like 3 French friends. I've been trying to figure out who's at fault. I think I've decided to blame a combination of the French Department and the study abroad office at OU. I hardly spoke a word of French getting there, and it's really intimidating trying to know people when you can barely spit out three sentences. By the end of the year, I started speaking French well enough to meet people, and I did. On my last train to my job, I met a french student who wanted to introduce me to some other students in Clermont. C'étais dommage. At that time, I was leaving in less than a week for Paris to return home.
It's so strange, though, because it's almost like a dream. I left my life in Clermont behind and now it doesn't exist anymore. Except for my big blue bag from Paris and the 35 euros left in my wallet, there is almost no evidence that I lived there. I try to think about what I did day to day in Clermont, but it's just a blur. People really don't even ask me about it. They say, "Oh, how was France?" I respond, "It was nice." That's all they need to know apparently. No other questions, we just move on to life exactly how it was before I left.
I'm amazed at how much is unchanged. Well, certainly my brother is married now. My mom put up new blinds in the dining room. But people don't really change that much, at least physically, but often emotionally and intellectually. My father is exactly the same man as he was 9 months ago. It's not a bad thing. It's just the way it is. There are new stores open here, and other stores closed there. But they're all the same stores that I've seen on the south side that are now on the west side or some other directional combination.
But I've changed. I've changed so much I hardly recognize myself. I wrote in my blog before that I was learning and changing at a speed so quick that I couldn't even process what had happened. It's true. I would sit down in front of my computer, and I wouldn't know what to write about because... well, I didn't know what was happening. Now that I can juxtapose myself with other Americans, I can see the difference. But the change is so massive, it would be impossible to describe it.
You'll notice that I hardly wrote a word last year. Considering how bored I was, this seems unnatural. However, considering my limited Internet supply, it's not so shocking. Also, I lived with my boyfriend in a 10 ft. by 20 ft. room for 4 months. I was difficult to just ignore him for 30 minutes or an hour while I wrote. But he was a big part of my change. He is the only thing that really ties me back to that world. I talk with him 30 minutes every day. I might just be willing to give up this blog, my computer, my life here in the U.S., just to be back in that little room with him. But a little sacrifice now will pay out well later.
I created a new blog because I am no longer in Europe and also because I'm not the same person who wrote on Where Black Meets White. I'm not deleting that blog, because I do think it's important to remember who you are, even if you no longer agree with everything you once said. But I realized that there is a lot more gray in the world than I once thought. These will be my thoughts back in my world here in Oklahoma.
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